Spring & Summer '10

I have begged for God to take me,
Yet have also felt the ecstasy of His Aslan breath.

Despair has strangled my every thought,
Yet I have never felt such heights of Spiritual inspiration.

I have finally released my entire grasp to
My life, my future, my present,
And have never experienced such fear.

And yet I know stronger than ever
That through my blinded soul and open palms
My God has me in His hands.
He will not let me fall.

I want my life to count for more than just my own.
To waste what God has entrusted to me is my greatest fear.

And then a certain verse is whispered in my heart:
"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
He began the work (not me) and He is faithful to finish it!

He gives me beauty for ashes.
I'll be His Cinderella.

So Tired

I can't sleep. I think I'm at that stage of exhaustion where you're so beyond tired that you can't even feel that anymore. And yet I don't feel that I have done enough or all that I should have at the end of each day. How can I be only twenty-seven and so tired of everything already? I think the world as we know it today is far too stressful and I'll be surprised if the extended length of life these days doesn't start to drop again just because of all the stress that keeps building around everyone.

Last night a poet talked about how he just wanted to bend light around him and disappear. I know how he feels. I'm exhausted just trying to not stress out about everything. I'm tired of having to be so responsible. I only have so many hours in the day to get the mountain and the mammoth that looms up new every day out of my way and I don't feel like I have time to just relax and be myself anymore.

I Have Said NO

I have turned down the offer to take over the innkeeper position here at Moore Cottage. The more I learned about all it involved and the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I realized that it was absolutely wrong for me and I was only going along with it because I don't see any other options at this time, i.e. Fear. However, when I finally decided to say no, instead of feeling crazy, I felt total relief and almost entire peace about God guiding my future, which is still unknown to me, but truly in His hands. At least I know one path that isn't right. We're narrowing it down at any rate!

So I'm staying in SoCal for a little while longer and starting the job search all over again. Not too excited about that, but fear of the unknown has got to be conquered at some point and it might as well be now! If I really trust God and believe in His crazy go against common sense sometimes, more wonderful than I ever imagine, heart fulfilling promises, then I have to choose to obey Him. So, with praise and thanksgiving (even when my feelings don't agree, thank you Catherine Marshall [and Christine!]) I make my requests known to Him.

Praise God He is good! This is the hope I cling to. No matter how depressing life seems, through it all and at the center of everything, the One who holds it all together is GOOD! Depression can not last against this. Darkness can not hide from it. The fact is, my God holds the stars to their course and He promises to hold me to mine. I just have to lift my feet.